Letter to Anti Cruelty

A while ago I wrote a letter to Chicago’s Anti-Cruelty Society to tell them how awesome my babies are and of course as an excuse to send them pictures of Sofia and Irwin.  My boyfriend saw this and decided that he too will send a letter to Anti-Cruelty.  The following is his letter:

Dear "anti"-cruelty society,

I adopted Irwin and Sofia from you guys a while back. Irwin is a great cat. He is soft and affectionate. Sofia, on the other hand, is a terrible animal. She smells. She farts. She wakes me up throughout the night with her barking. Her hair is terrible; it feels like greasy weasel with eczema. Her looks give me the creeps. I think she might be a demon spawned in hell. Furthermore, she bites. She has bitten five people so far. She is a legal liability. In fact, I am considering suing you for criminal negligence for adopting such an animal in the first place. She has breathing problems.  She can't run. She looks like a retarded crab walking sideways when you walk her. Did I mention that she smells? She smells like she lives in sewer. She snores. She sleeps on the bed in the most awkward positions. She threatens to bite you if you attempt to move her.

Sincerely

First of all this letter is a GREAT exaggeration of Sofia.  Sofia is most charming, loving and sweet.  Yes, she has bitten people, but that is because she has trust issues.  She sometimes smells, but not right now.  She snores, but it’s a comforting snore, not like some who mumble in his sleep and yells about non-understandable things…cough, cough, boyfriend, cough, cough.  Also, why should her eczema be held against her?  It is not her fault she has dry skin!  Sofia is my little protector, never mind that she is short, slow, that she is kind of blind, can’t smell, and her bites probably wouldn’t draw much blood.  She does her best and she does it out of love.